Not with me

I used to be the one beside him and the one he would see every time he has that free time. I used to be the one he texts first thing ont he morning and the last one at night. I miss the times he would call just so to know I was home safe. I miss the times that he would give me the look that makes everything okay.

I always knew he was a great man. I expected him to be the best in everything and I knew that he could make all his dreams come true if he just set his mind to it. I expected nothing but the good in him despite my mentality on people. He is great, i was inlove and never quite like this.

I was enjoying every moment with him and to me, forever might be not enough for me to spend it with him. I know, I was stupid and everyday it gets harder without him. It feels like a big part of me was taken. I was stupid, downright stupid and everything else is nothing but a blur. i don't know how to make things work and I always ruin myself in the end to the point that I gave everything as in every single thing I could offer...It was love because of that stupidity I allowed myself to get in to...

I know myself to be strong and all that but i just cant help myself now. I cant even manage hearbreaks now that I chose to be not with him. I allowed him to go ecause I wanted him to be happy even though I had to sacrifice mine. We keep on fighting and we tell ourselves its okay but then everything is not okay. We keep telling orself that we are guilty when the truth is we never forgave each other...

Seeing him with another girl is none of my buisness. It just feels so hard to see my everything with another girl. Move on, I know because there is nothing else I can do. I know he would say bad things about me and wvwn though he denys it I just know he was not the same man I loved... I just wish taht every time I would look at him, I would not see the face of that man I love..still love..I cant bring myself to like anyone or even that simple crush...I may be helpless and I know its not on my personality to be this girl who will miss so much but then..he's not with me..just not with me...Sorry just seems a very distant word that could not make everything okay..

I just wish that one day I could forgive myself and that I could make everything right again...