When Everything Old Starts Feeling New

When everything old starts feeling new, you look at a mirror and you start to think renovations you might get yourself into. You cut your hair, you buy a new bag, you start to loose weight, you put on new clothes, and you start to smile like you never smiled that smile before…and then you say “Why not loose control”

When everything old starts feeling new, you make new friends in old places you never looked. You get your life back by doing things you missed doing and you feel like it’s the first time all over again. You get to feel a surge of adrenaline and you get to sleep with a high surge of adrenaline. You look at your cell phone with tons of messages and without reading it you delete them all. Fear is gone my friend. You get to feel alone yet so secure and then you will see how much you missed the feeling at all.

When everything old starts feeling new, you get to be surprised when you meet a catalyst disguised as a stranger. You will never see it coming and you get your second chance. You will start to think about the lost time and you come to realize that nothing is worth more trying or remembering for an end marked its place. You get to meet this catalyst and you start to remember a feeling, alas, this feeling yet you know you need more time. You do a lot of thinking with the same game you might get yourself into. Same game, same you, same goal, yet a very old player you come to be. What the heck maybe third time’s the charm.

When everything old starts feeling new, you get to forget and move on from the past realizing you’re far better than you were, wiser beyond years but still the same you. You get to go places that you wanted to go but the hunger for it does not matter anymore for the feeling is old. You get to go with your catalyst and the next thing you know you are moving on, on a happier note.

When everything old starts feeling new, you get to be a student in the same school. You get to go into a class with the same set of classmates yet a different approach comes to prosper. Familiar faces start to swivel by and an old best friend you just don’t recognize anymore. New faces appearing fresh and a virus unleashed in the open. A new start you must think but in an alien land that looks so familiar in your midst. You get to meet a new professor that are worthy of thy praise and presents herself as a challenged. You get to start a new semester in the same environment yet everything all feels new and just so fresh.

You get to go home by the end of the day with the realization that this really is a brand old new start. You get to realize how beautiful things fall apart and you get to realize you survived it all with all the bruises in your soul. You get to look in the mirror and you like yourself more, far from once the person you were. You get to start again in this old old world. You will want to record this feeling and then you write a blog entitled “When Everything Old Starts Feeling New”.

Shifting Equlibrium

The Silence deafens me as the shallowness of the four corners of my room starts to sink in my head. I close my eyes and the picture of darkness remains the same. I opened them and I realized that there is no point in trying to make a difference because this room has no window to let even the smallest twinge of light to go through. It was a dream I always thought of having…a picturesque that stood still in my mind. I start to wonder which reality I want more, which world is the dream? I ask myself…a dream. I am dreaming…

24 hours earlier

I see people die everyday and I save the most that comes in this room or so I think. I wondered how I kept myself calm when I see a person covered in his own sweat and blood, when I tell a certain family that the one they love the most had just died with the exact hour on my watch, when I lead my team in cutting someone else’s heart and replacing it at the same time, when someone’s life depended on you, all this in one day and no more room for fear, no more room for mistake but room for hope.

School taught me almost everything I need to know, some of them I remember, some of them I don’t. It was only a preparation and I knew all along that in the real world you have to patch things up and be as decisive as I can be. It’s my first day on the job and my uniform that was once white had blood all over it. The smell of panic is everywhere and life depended on every decision you and your colleges make. When you are new you get to have doubts on you diagnosis and it sounds like a suggestion in every time you speak even though you think you are right, you really have to think twice because this room is full of dying people and it gets twice the pressure when someone dies because you have to move on and try your luck with the next dying patient.

I need to be professional, whatever that means, I need to keep my emotions to myself and not be biased in every patient that I have. I am learning and I need to learn how to eat guilt and move on on the snap of a finger. I need not show my tears and I need not show everyone how disgusted I am by the smell of this room.

Every family looks up to you as their last resort of hope. My mother told me in her dying bed that she wanted me to be just like my father who was a great man and I wanted to tell her that I would be great in my own way but then my father arranged everything for me and I was walking a bridge that someone else built for me. Too long to remember how I started to walk that path but then I was already on the middle and I decided not to look back and keep my dreams and aspirations to myself. I am here now; I am the closest thing to a modern day superhero, an intellectual who manages to save lives thru science.

I stood still and I haven’t slept in 3 days that is more like 3 decades in nervousness and anguish. Time moved fast and my youth does not seem to be as enticing as it may sound. Even I have holidays in my schedule but I decided to work full time for taking a break is no sense to me, no one to share it with. I wonder why I feel so empty and why I do not get a simple thank you from one of the ten patients I saved today, too early for recognition besides it was only my first day.

Is it faith that brought me here on this uncharted world of doom? Has abstraction come in my way that all things were nothing but a mere state of mind? I want to escape. I want all of these to be over.

I was walking my usual road back to my apartment. The next thing I knew was that I felt dizzy and bright lights were above me. Masked people were murmuring the same terms and jargon I spoke a couple of hours ago. I hear their screams “CLEAR!”, “no change!”, “CLEAR!”, “we’re loosing her”, “Clear!”. I was tired and I wanted sleep to come to me, they need to win but superheroes need to loose every so quite often making them better at their job…

The Silence deafens me as the shallowness of the four corners of my room starts to sink in my head. I close my eyes and the picture of darkness remains the same. I opened them and I realized that there is no point in trying to make a difference because this room has no window to let even the smallest twinge of light to go through. It was a dream I always thought of having…a picturesque that stood still in my mind. I start to wonder which reality I want more, which world is the dream? I ask myself…a dream. I am dreaming…